PREOCCUPATION Leaders must surface what they are pre-occupied with and confront its consequences. This is key. Leaders I work with often display a child-like surprise when they see how workplace feedback resonates with that from family and friends. If a parent, a spouse and a supervisor are all concerned about physical health and burnout, it speaks to the longevity of our career and the fear of being replaced, hence the concern about earnings and stress at home. Often, family concern is labelled as ‘nagging’, and we shy away from discussing these issues, forgetting that for the family we are irreplaceable, but for the organisation, despite our value, we may not be so unique. Indeed, I have come across many instances where people deliberately go home late, or prefer to travel so they can avoid difficult domestic issues. Yet our conscience never sleeps. It gnaws away at this avoidance, depleting already stretched emotional reserves, triggering irritation, and leading us to lash out. We end up ‘managing tasks’ at home or at work instead of immersing ourselves in the present. Men, for instance, are great at living and perpetuating the “I am responsible, I am the provider” narrative, forgetting that duty to provide bread is no substitute for duty to be present. Children want a storyteller and play partner parent more than fancy toys and expensive holidays. We can also create tension if we do not select where to be present. In one poignant instance, the teenage daughter of a leader expressed how her father’s sharing, while gratifying at one level, made her feel overwhelmed and inadequate as she perceived him in the anchoring role of a parent and was not yet ready to see or engage with his vulnerable side. By engaging with his ‘uncritical’ daughter, he was evading difficult conversations with his spouse, complicating the vibe at home. He realised his unmet needs sprang from his inability to express himself, as he was preoccupied with meeting others’ expectations. This interplay between all spheres of our lives, and how without addressing it we cannot progress in a leadership journey, opens the door to the next step. THE WHOLE PERSON Conscious acceptance to work on yourself with a whole person approach can be liberating. Suddenly, and unhesitatingly, we select topics to discuss with family which deepen our understanding of ourselves and others. This can be the beginning of a partnership at home, the realisation that only the family is willing to put in the hours to listen and help us ‘shift’, as they are the ones most affected. After the initial worry of hearing “I told you so”, we tap into the innate wisdom and experience of those we had overlooked. And as expectations shift, so do conversations, and perceived roles. As leaders respond, I ask, “What are the roles in your life today and what are your and others’ expectations from each of these?” They become conscious of the many roles they play and whether they are investing in their professional and personal spaces fairly. One epiphanic moment with a group of leaders in the Middle East was when they accepted that their time and duty to self was sacred too. This had not even figured in their day! From the obvious focus on health and vacations, to the gratifying commitment to community and spiritual self, overlooked dimensions emerge. Recently, I asked the father of one leader, in the leader’s presence, “What is it that you wish your son to accomplish?” He replied “My son is a better version of myself, cares for his family and community… but in a society that is increasingly broken, he experiences the pain of adhering to his values. I cannot change society, nor would I ask him to change his values, but knowing that his sense of responsibility comes from my upbringing, I would not want him to achieve more, but instead to rest more, to enjoy his life.” HOME AND WORK Leaders often excel at creating a shared vision in an office but may be oblivious to its need at home. They are shocked if a sibling or a child selects a certain career, or a parent decides to come out of retirement. Those I have had the privilege to observe or work with have great qualities of listening, empathy and mentoring, but as I tell them (and myself), charity begins at home. It could be awkward, and there is a risk of being overbearing, but what greater joy than to invest in making our own family and friends successful? And we can build a secure and trustful space into the bargain, without any ethical lines being crossed. In working with and through the family, the objectives of a leadership coaching journey are realised, such as listening without judgement, not putting ourselves first, being assertive with oneself before asserting with others. If we succeed with family, imagine how impactful we would be at work, where a leader is comparatively detached and dispassionate? FIFTY FOUR DEGREES | 41 Sanjay Rishi is a leadership coach and the founder of @intersections. He is an Honorary Teaching Fellow and Entrepreneur in Residence in Lancaster University Management School. The picture (left) for this article shows sculpture The Embrace, created by Hank Willis Thomas as a memorial to Martin Luther King and his wife, Coretta King. It stands at Boston Commons as a superb embodiment to what a partnership stands for. The Embrace is a memorial to their love and leadership, inspired by a photograph of the Kings’ embracing. It reflects the power of collective action, the role of women in the freedom movement, and the forging of solidarity out of mutual empathy and vulnerability. See more at www.embraceboston.org/memorial
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